A big part of my art, my business, and myself is being open and honest. I don't like hiding parts of myself or putting on a face for anything. With that being said, I want to share with you a part of myself that I'm not always open about.
In 2013, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD. It's often confused with the feeling of anxiety or general anxiety that can be felt by anyone. It's an anxiety disorder that has symptoms of persistent worrying, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and problems with concentration, among other things. It affects about 3% of the US population and the severity is different for each person. GAD can come about through genetics or environmental influences.
(Image Above: 2015, when my GAD was at it's worst)
I had always shown signs of having problems with anxiety, partially from genetics and partially from environmental influences. As the years went by and I started middle school, the intensity of my anxiety changed. Instead of being anxious when I was nervous or scared, I started having anxiety all the time no matter where I was or what situation I was in. I would have really bad heart palpitations, ringing in my ears, shortness of breath, blurry vision, and fainting spells. When I turned 14 and just before I started high school, I was put on medication and started going to therapy twice a week instead of once.
For almost 4 years, that was my life. Anti-anxiety medication, one-on-one therapy session on Tuesdays, and DBT (dialectical behavior techniques) group therapy on Thursdays. I also did equine therapy for two years. While that period was the hardest time of my life, all of the medicine and all of the therapy (and my parents) saved my life. Without all of those things, I would not be able to control, understand, or embrace my GAD the way I can today.
(Image Above: 2018, still having a hard time handling my GAD, but having a better understanding of it)
I used to be really afraid of my GAD because it used to be so unpredictable and I never knew how to control it. It would often scare other people as well. I mean, if someone passed out in front of you for no apparent reason, you'd be a little scared too! I also encountered, and still do sometimes, people who didn't understand or didn't want to understand. Mental health and illness is not a topic everyone wants to talk about and can be very jarring to some.
Today, at 21 years old, the way I handle my anxiety is very different. Now, I can feel when a panic attack is happening and now how to control it on the spot. I do exercises and breathing techniques to help calm myself when I'm having a panic attack and to help with my concentration. I have a better time filtering out thoughts and moments that I don't need to have anxiety over. Also, being able to talk about my GAD with you guys makes it easier. I have so much more control over my GAD than I did back in high school and even at the beginning of my college career.
(Image Above: 2021, just before my Capstone oral defense. A high anxiety moment, but I have control)
My relationship with my GAD will never be perfect, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. It's not nearly as unpredictable as it used to be and I embrace it as a piece of myself that I know and love. Some days are harder than others, but having the continuous support and help from my family and friends makes the harder days a little more bearable. I know that not everyone has a support system when it comes to their mental health, but if you ever want someone to talk to, my DMs are open! I'm not a therapist, but I can be certainly a friend.
Thank you guys so much for being a part of my support system and being great people! You guys help me and my GAD more than you will ever know. I love you guys!
- Kes
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