Previously on this blog series: " I guess I remember more than I thought."
After all the final pieces of my Capstone were put together, all that was left to do was put up the exhibition, give my oral defense, have the exhibition reception, and take it all down. Oh, and graduate, of course. I remember the day I put up my exhibition. I had moved back home during the pandemic, because living on campus made me really nervous with being immunocompromised. So, in April 2021, I drove two and a half hours with my exhibition pieces, my mom, and my husband. It was a miracle it was an in-person exhibition. I had just gotten my second COVID shot the day before, so my arm was really sore trying to put up my exhibition.
The gallery wasn't very large, so I took up two walls with my eight panels and my exhibition title. I remember thinking, "Eh, it shouldn't take that long to get everything up and mounted". I was sorely mistaken as we were rolling into the 3rd hour of putting up my work. My giant pin boards, my images, and my quotes all displayed in uneven lines across the exhibit walls to make the space feel more like a home. I forgot to previously mention my title for my exhibition which was "I'm (Not) Alright". I thought it was clever since I was talking about how people don't have to look like they are grieving to know that they are. "Grief does not have just one face".
April 2021. In front of my thesis exhibition at Stone Quarry Hill Art Park in Cazenovia, NY.
My Capstone oral defense was April 23rd, 2021. Thankfully, all of the defenses were over Zoom calls. I have always loved oral presentations. Writing is one of my love languages, but not when it came to essays and papers for classes. If I had the option to do an oral presentation, I would take it. I thought my presentation went really well. I usually feel pretty confident in giving oral presentations, especially if I had properly researched and understood the topic. But, for obvious reasons, I had a sense of confidence in this presentation that I had never had before. I didn't even feel like I was doing this presentation for me. I was doing it for Mom. For the people that feel the same way I do. For Dad.
April 2021. Before I gave my oral defense speech via Zoom.
The week after my defense was the gallery reception. So, Mom and I drove back out Cazenovia for it. It was a small reception as there couldn't be too many people in the gallery at once due to COVID regulations. Everyone dressed really nicely. Some of my friends came by and saw my work. The other artists and I hung out and checked out each other's work around the gallery. I had spent my time at college displaying my work with my classmates for smaller exhibitions and assignments. I have always had an admiration for their work and how talented they are, but displaying my work along with theirs for our Capstone exhibition was an honor (I swear I'm not trying to sound like a kiss-ass. I'm just really happy that I got to show my work next to theirs).
April 2021. In front of my title at my exhibition.
Once the reception was over, we immediately starting taking down our work in our heels and dress clothes. It was over as quick as it started. The week had gone by so fast. A little too fast. I left that night wishing that I could have just left my work there forever for more people to see.
On May 20th, 2021, Dad's 51st birthday, there was an awards ceremony for the seniors. I was invited a few weeks prior to ceremony, but they didn't tell me what award I was receiving. There was an award that was in memoriam of a photography professor that used to work at my college named Rita Hammond. It was given to a senior in the photography department every year during the time of graduation in recognition of their creative work in their Capstone project. There was also an Outstanding Capstone Award given to one senior in each department for having the highest grade on their Capstone out of their major. I had no idea that I would be awarded with both.
After the ceremony, my husband and I went out to our car, and a man on a red motorcycle drove by and waved at us. For a spilt second, I believed in ghosts. The man looked so much like my dad, down to the Saucony sneakers and the Suzuki bike. I could have chased after him. I've had moments where I thought I had seen my dad out and about, but none of them were as strong and as vivid as that moment. On his birthday of all days, too.
May 22, 2021. My husband, my mom, my grandmother, and I after the graduation ceremony.
Graduation day was a blur. They had 2020's and 2021's graduations on the same day, and I did some graduation photos that morning for some of my friends in the 2020 class. I couldn't believe I was graduating. It all ended so quickly. Four years is a long time, but not when it comes to college. After putting over a year of my life into a Capstone that I'm really passionate about and after four years of learning new techniques and skills for the medium that I love so much, it was gone in the blink of an eye. I have never been so happy and so sad for something to end.
May 22, 2021. Graduation walk to ceremony at Cazenovia College.
I knew that even though college was over, I wasn't going to walk away from my Capstone these entirely. I knew I wanted to keep going with it somehow. So, I decided to make a book out of it. I have always loved writing and in someway or another, I knew I had always wanted to write a book. I was very close to adding a third minor to my degree and I wanted it to be English for this reason (I was one class short of an English minor. I obviously am not still bothered by it.) I love photography books, so I decided to start writing one. Exhibitions can only reach so many people, and I want to be able to share this exploration of grief with more people. My mom and I working on this book together, and we're hoping on publish it sometime next year.
It's been almost a year and five months since I graduated from college, and a year and six months since my senior exhibition. It'll be two years next month since I finished writing my Capstone paper. It's been three years and two months since Dad died. I had no idea that this is how things in my life would go, nor did I not want a long of the things that happened to happen. Because of what happened and didn't happen, I am where I am now. I'm married to a wonderful partner, I have my BFA, I own two businesses, and I'm working on a book. While I may not like everything that has happened in my past, some of those things are still a part of me and may always will be, just like Dad will always be. I didn't like where I was, but I like where I am now.
- Kes
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